Why am I alive? I want to live.

OK. Here goes.

Why am I alive? What can I do today—no, right now—to really live?

I’m sitting in the Heritage room of the Salem Public Library, looking across a concrete courtyard. I’m trying to plan a video course that starts in four days. But I don’t feel like I’m living. Is it a matter of WHAT or a matter of HOW? Is my problem that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do, or is my problem that I’m not doing what I have to do in the right way?

What if I taught the video course with depth, connection, vision, encouragement? What if I somehow made the students soar? What if I somehow made the course a life-changing experience? What if we cried together?

Oh, I sure don’t want days of planning lessons–at least ordinary lessons.

I want an uncommon life. I cannot be satisfied with anything else. Just like everyone else. God, give me something; I know I would be a good steward. Oh really? How have I managed what I have?

If I continue to live a common life, I will choke and die. Just like everyone. Just like Ayn Rand said: “To sell your soul is the easiest thing in the world. That’s what everybody does every hour of his life. If I asked you to keep your soul—would you understand why that’s much harder?” Just like _______ said: “(what was that haunting quote about people giving up their dreams and life and settling)”

I want to travel around the world. I want to save people who are starving and dying, physically and spiritually. I want to shout. I want to answer questions. I want to point out the beauty that fills the world. I want to know God fully, the full breadth, the unearthly and ethereal, the great weight of the universe.

Is enlightenment the real savior? Jesus gets you to heaven, but He is not magic. The idea of trusting Jesus helps our minds cope with life’s trouble, but Jesus does not magically fix trouble.


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