Hostel II

This movie is remarkable, sensational even, in it’s lack of tension, terror, suspense, coolness, or sexiness. It’s almost worth watching just for that; it does not terrify, suprise, arouse, amuse, or shock. It is some kind of amazing un-movie.

If there was not expectation generated from the title, no one would last past the first half hour. Very slow. Very little suspense. No surprises. Nothing.

How would a hostel afford such a party?

The party scene… boring.

Some noticeable on-the-nose writing.

Is that supposed to be slow motion? Why?

The hostel host guy is a great character. Cool, creepy accent. Cool, creepy look.

Wow. Boring. There’s no suspense!! Beth chasing Lorna in the boat is suposed to be suspenseful… but it’s not. The creatures are not creepy. The boat ride is too quick and too far away (ELS) to be suspenseful. Even when she gets grabbed is not scary or suspenseful or shocking or anything. Lorna, especially Lorna, getting grabbed should be very scary.

The Elizabeth Bathory scene should have been legendary–something people talked about. Instead, it was… well, boring. It disturbed but only because blood spraying from the neck always disturbs. Nothing else about the scene had any impact.

The characters are nicely distinct, but they all have thin moments–where they are cartoonish.

The candle-lighting scene should be terrifying, but it’s not. That’s the problem. No scene is terrifying. Even the sycle scene is not terrifying. Although it is very disturbing.

Huh? The pool is outside? Did she fall asleep in the pool? Since when? How did they clear the entire spa so quickly? My gosh this movie is slow.

Why wouldn’t the the buck-toothed guy help? Why was his truck full of furnture?
What’s with the gang of kids with trip-lines in the woods and clubs? What’s with putting the gun in the kids’ faces? What does that add to the story? It takes the viewer out of the story. Sigh. Nearly every scene takes the viewer out of the story.

What’s witht the bloodhounds? Are they supposed to be scary?

The filmmaker works against himself. He could have suspense, but he ruins his own suspense. The music starts to signal suspense… but then the scene changes. It appears that Eli has never watched any suspenseful movies before–like he doesn’t know what creates, builds, maintains suspense.

When captives are in holding room should have been terrifying and ominous, but, like all the potentially dramatic scenes, it was over before it began.

The the blond (Whitney) in the chair… whew, dreadful! The dialog.

Beth getting taken care of by that one chick… why would there be pictures of creeps?

The closet of heads? I could hear a collective groan from all viewers. And I was watching alone.

There sure are a lot of people working in “the bloodhound gang”. Soldiers, informants, IT nerds, international hostesses; they have Hummers, limosense, guns, a weapons room, a cosutme room.

The montage over classical music didn’t even work. And it came at the one hour mark, which is another way of saying the movie is straight-up boring.

The scene with Stewart with Beth. Is this the cool guy-rises-to-the-occasion-and-saves-the-girl scene?

Didn’t he just say “they” are listening? Why are Stewart and Beth talking and yelling.
“You’re not some monster.” Who wrote this? The dialog would have been better if the whole movie had been ad-libbed.

The guy with the saw, laughing and teasing. Huh? And then he freaks out?

Oh. They have skilled doctors as well. (More groaning)

“Where’s Todd?” Then Todd comes wheeled down the hall.

The timid guy goes crazy? Huh?

OK. Now Beth gets smart. The classic seduce-your-way-out.

The end of Stewart is disturbing. Again, not because of anything the director does, just because of what happens, especially with the dogs. Then the guards smirk as they all walk out. Huh?

As improbable as it sounds, the last scene is dumber than any other! Not only is it improbable, confusing, unconnected to the story, cliche, not funny, not scary… it’s just… well, I guess it’s the perfect conclusion: every scene makes you groan with disappointment, and the last scene makes you groan the most.

Playing soccer with a human head would be like playing soccer with a bowling ball.

Perhaps the poorest movie I have ever seen. Afterwards, I wondered if I had seen a bootleg edit. I can’t image this is what was released to theaters.


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