Depression. Futility. Hope.

Our daughter was born a fighter. What a difficult child she has been. We console ourselves by saying that she will surely become something great—she will surely grow up to use her great strength for something good—she will fight for something good.

But will that happen? You grow no further than the circle you were born into. She will grow to lead a life just like all those in our circle of family and friends. The exceptions to this rule are so rare that they are mythological—the stuff of fairy tales and inspirational stories.

God does not talk to you through the songs on the radio. A God as great as religion claims cannot heal people or talk to those he supposedly deeply loves. Is the best he can do to manipulate what is playing on the radio and when you happen to turn it on?

But then, of course, that happened. Sunday, at 11:41am, driving to school, I pressed “Seek” on the radio. It passed four or five popular stations and stopped at 101.9 KINK. “Anything’s Possible” by Jonny Lang was playing. Has any song ever been more perfect, and needed, for the situation. Is that you, God? ‘Cuz I’m not sure I believe you talk to people.

All the joy is gone. And I am empty. The only happiness comes in the early, early morning when I am lying in bed, having yet to fall asleep, and I think about not living anymore. A shadow of happiness falls across my heart. I relax and hope I fall asleep and dream of such happiness.

People are forever expecting their dreams to suddenly explode into reality. But it never happens. People hold to the belief that all the suffering from childhood to adulthood means only that one day they will have a sudden chrysalis. But the long-awaited explosion never comes. No one ever experiences a sudden chrysalis. What we do get, however, is more suffering; more time struggling against the bonds of the cocoon.


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